“Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord cares for me.” (Psalms 27:10)
I have a past that includes many happy memories, but as well as moments in my life where I needed to believe there was a way out of it.
Due to my family arrangements, I grew up with the idea that I was “unwanted.” My grandmother raised me, my mom was in my life, but my father was not.
I was a fatherless child.
Since a young age, I have always heard the importance of having a father and how a little girl will always need her father. Well, what was I to do?
Luckily, I was a “good” kid. I always worried about what my teachers thought of me, and always made sure I was on my best behavior and became the “class example.” I loved going to school because I was able to get lost in learning and forget about my life.
Because I was a nerd and enjoyed reading I learned a lot, and in a sense raised myself. I knew that the living situation I was born into was not the “norm.” (Or at least one I wanted to be in.)I truly believe that my living circumstances led me to developing my personality and my goals. I knew that I wanted to put all my energy into earning everything I once desired as a child. I wanted to grow up and attend college. I wanted a profession. I wanted others to take me serious as a successful (minority) woman. I wanted to make my family proud as all of my aunts and uncles played a huge part in “raising me.”
It was very early on in my life that I realized in order to make things happen I had to take full responsibility for myself and my actions. If I wanted to get an education I had to earn scholarships, because we had no money. I knew that in order to have change in my life, I had to create it. I had to get up, and do it.
Once I saw that I excelled in school, and that was the opening to a new future … I was all in.
I, as a child had to also learn to work through my feelings towards my absent father. I told myself to do all that I could to initiate a relationship, and whatever happens happens. I needed answers to move on.
So, I flew across the country to “surprise” my father… Let’s just say I wasn’t received well, and I learned my answers. I know the result of this trip was not what I wanted deep down in my heart, but I later was grateful that I finally was able to get the answers I needed to end this chapter in my life.
Anyways, this occurred when I was about 15/16 years old, and I felt like it was his loss….and I just needed to learn to move on. It just wasn’t meant to be.
I took every opportunity to continue to work on my music and studies. I had just a few years to do my best, and make sure I applied to as many colleges as possible. I was blessed to earn a full tuition scholarship to pay for my education. 🙂 :: thumbs up for hard work::
Fast forward… I am happy to have learned how to resolve this “unwanted” feeling.
So what can we ( I ) learn from this…
- I have learned that hard work really does pay off.
- I have learned that even when you try you may not always get a positive outcome.
- I have learned that I am okay without forced relationships.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that I have the opportunity to share parts of my life that could speak to others. I’m sure that many fatherless children have stayed up many nights crying trying to understand why they are “unwanted.” I know that in those moments, these children question their existence and value.
For those that know a fatherless child remind them they are loved, valued, and are going to be successful.
On a bright note… I absolutely am in love with my husband and he knows how important it is for BOTH of us to be as involved as possible in our future children’s lives. As I grow older, I am overwhelmed with how different my life as turned out.
Thanks for reading…
::image found on pinterest::